How do we balance the need for openness and safety? 

Trust can be as simple as…”He would tell me if there was food in my teeth.”   “She doesn’t gossip about me behind my back.”  “He’s not secretly wishing he was somewhere else.” “Her resume is accurate.”  “I believe my boss’s intentions are aligned with mine.” “He meant I when he said I was the only one, and that he too liked Muskrat Love.”

It can be as big as “The election system is fair.”  The police are officers of the peace.”  “We go to war to protect the innocent not to empire build.”  “The world is a giving place. I will always be provided for.”

People hold a huge range of perspectives on their relationship to others.  Are people basically good, or are they out to get you?  Is the universe trustworthy or chaotic?  Is the world fair, or unfair? We walk in the world making constant judgment calls on whether we will open up or protect ourselves.

When we talk about trust, we can mean so many things. We could mean truthfulness, dependability or fallibility.  Further, some of our trust framework is unique to us and biases us (our own wiring, prior experiences)- and some trust is based on intuitive (and often accurate) readings of external circumstances.

Tonight we’re going to look at trust- where we sit on the continuum of trusting and trustworthy, the cost and risk of that position, and whether we can hack or change our fundamental beliefs about trust.

We’re also going to look at lying a little bit.  Why people lie and when and what that’s about.  How do we develop the tools to be more trustworthy, and to elicit more truth telling from others.

Trust is this magic lever: it makes everything just work.

When you trust others, you can do stuff even if you don’t have all the information. You essentially have few transaction costs.  You can do stuff all the contingency planning and backup plan.  You don’t have to verify.   You don’t have to snoop, to wonder, to scenario plan.  It’s a restful choice to trust.  It’s been identified as the biggest variable in the success of developing nations- trust in the government, in systems, in the rule of law, between people- is a reliable predictor of prosperity.

Still, there’s the other side- the legitimate concern that everyone may not be safe.   You’ve seen the bumper sticker “Just because your paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you”.  As one Buddhist I know says,”How can I have a peaceful life if I’m suspicious of everyone? By trusting people, I could probably improve my quality of life. If I trust, I will get hurt- but even in the hurting I learn more about the world than I did when I hid behind barricades.”

All spiritual traditions acknowledge the restful ease of trusting.  In yoga practice as you go into sivasana, they tell you “it’s okay now to let go- the world will hold you up.  Let your muscles melt into the floor.”  In the new testament, Matthew posits: “Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They don’t toil, neither do they spin.”

Biological and Developmental Trust Factors

Trust is in part based in our biology.  We are wired to form connections, and not just as individuals, but as social animals, living in a network.  There are actually evolutionary bases of trust between humans.  Here’s an excerpt from J.D. Clippinger:

According to evolutionary psychologists and biologists, the human brain evolved many highly sophisticated social exchange algorithms for interpreting, signaling, and coordinating human interactions. It turns out that human beings evolved as a social species – not as atomic individuals, and hence, evolved joint innate mechanisms for shared behaviors and experiences. We have biologically encoded, preconscious mechanisms for joint social exchange and coordination- social scaffoldings that trigger people’s innate propensity to trust and exchange. Neurosciences and several neuro-economic experiments have shown that the principal mental processes involved in economic activities are not conscious but preconscious, and hence, not reflective, utility maximizing nor principally self-interested.

Experiments have demonstrated that there are specific neural mechanisms for trust – (detecting cheaters, sense of fairness, shame, fairness, etc.) and they have a high degree of social fitness value.

This evolutionary trust is different than developmental skills in trusting the world.  Child development theorist Erik Erikson says that learning trust is the 1^st psychosocial developmental task, happening in children between birth and 2 years:

Erik Erikson’s theory centers around the infant’s basic needs being met by the parents.  The major developmental task in infancy is to learn whether or not other people, especially primary caregivers, regularly satisfy basic needs. If caregivers are consistent sources of food, comfort, and affection, an infant learns trust- that others are dependable and reliable. If they are neglectful, or perhaps even abusive, the infant instead learns mistrust- that the world is in an undependable, unpredictable, and possibly a dangerous place. While negative, having some experience with mistrust allows the infant to gain an understanding of what constitutes dangerous situations later in life.

In other words, if you master this psychosocial skill, if you learn early that “I am good, wanted, competent, loveable.  My world feels safe.  People respond to my needs”- then you’re off to a good start.  And, if you don’t learn this?  Well, let’s just say this base insecurity tags along until you consciously start working on undoing it.  Whether our core trust relationship is healthy or not, we will carry it forward into all of our adult relationships.  In order to heal early breaks in attachment, we require a real brain hack- it’s hard work- but also very rewarding.  Treatments like EMDR, corrective attachment therapy, hypnosis or cognitive retraining all seem to work.

If you have an early miseducation in this key area, you have to rewire your own brain, rebuild it to get to the point where you can attach and trust others.

Categorical Distrust:  Learned Blind Spots

If we are to become more accurately trusting, we need to also look at where we have developed emotional keloids- unneeded armor against the supposed “teachings“ of prior experience.

We all have categorical blind spots based on experiences.  Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink laid that out in detail.

According to Built on Trust:   

“The sequence goes something like this: on an occasion when we are extending trust, often contributing extra, something happens which leaves us feeling burnt, or betrayed. The emotional response is immediate: shock, fear, loss, anger. The mental reaction is a “never again” decision that affects trust. These decisions are logical, but are often categorical, over-protective, and therefore limiting.”

In other words:  Protecting ourselves disables us.  We develop biased screens and use those to make snap decisions and reactions. THE DEGREE OF SELF PROTECTION IS EQUAL TO SEVERITY OF PERCEIVED WOUNDS.  IF CORE BELIEFS ARE RIGID, AUTOMATIC, SELF-PROTECTING: THERE IS NO FREEDOM.

Once in a while, evaluating our own categorical biases and prejudices is necessary- where have we imposed our own rigidities?  Where are we carrying categorical impersonal distrust based on some prior experience, that may not actually be broadly valid?

Trusting Individuals:  Working, Living, Loving

Trust drives our most effective relationships, and determines how much we count on others, or how much to back away.  It’s not always about truth-it can be on other dimensions- for example:

• Leadership- do I trust your vision?
• Reliability- do I trust your promises?
• Veracity- do I trust your facts?
• Capacity- do I trust your driving?

The paradox of interdependence in personal relationships.

As the spheres get more intimate, there is increasingly high risk in being wrong about trusting others, which would naturally make these some of the most challenging places to trust (the phenomenon implied in Landslide:  “I built my world around you.”)

Who doesn’t want the rest that comes from a settled intimate relationship? George Eliot’s quote captures it:

That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger–not to be interfered with by speech or action which would distract the sensations from the fresh enjoyment of repose.

So, where is the paradox? According to Kelly and Thibaut, as passed on by the site the Truth About Deception:

Close relationships are based on interdependence, which is rewarding and helps people move better in the world.  As interdependence increases, telling the truth is essential- we need to know each other.  The paradox, is that interdependence also creates many constraints. As interdependence increases, people are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.

Telling the truth is easy do to when interdependence is low – like revealing deeply personal information to a complete stranger sitting on a plane. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit). When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness.  But, interdependence means that telling the truth carries more risk: it can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain one’s goals.

The greatest irony:  Lying to retain intimacy or to be seen favorably actually stops you from getting the love you want in the first place

Being truthful about ourselves is the only way to experience and feel real love.  The only way to let it in.  Otherwise at some subconscious level, you just think they love you because you tricked them, or they don’t know the real you.  Real love is based on complete unconditional truth telling. If you want to do work in this area:  REAL LOVE!  Or, go one step further, to Radical Honesty, where the motto is stop the stories, stop the fear.

Sometimes though, we don’t seem to know truth from our own stories.  If you need help figuring out how to get to “what is true”, do the work of Byron Katie.  It’s simple, it’s effective, it’s amazing.  

5 Ways to Strength the Fabric of Trust

The foundation of living freely, and trusting the universe is rooted in real work on self awareness and development.

But, if you’re looking for some quick tips to be more trustworthy and create more trust in your life, here are 5 excellent practices to begin with.

1. Generosity: Look to positively impact others before you consider your own agenda.

2.  Communicate Graciously:  Listen deeply.  Be composed and respectful: don’t interrupt, argue, frown, get restless.  Speak frankly but privately. Be curious more than pushing your own message.

3.  Truth Telling:  Tell what is true for you, without judging, blaming or fearing others.

4.  Accountability:  We are all interdependent.  Do what you say you will do.  Commit, but don’t overcommit.

5.  Humility: Correct mistakes and miscommunications early.

To live openly, we need to be healthy and whole in our own selves.  We need to be comfortable with the truth of ourselves.  And we need to have the skills to relate to others who may or may not be there yet, with all the uncertainty those interactions can bring.

On that note, let’s close with a quote from one who could bend circumstances to his vision:  “Don’t be afraid.  Wrap your head around it.  You can do it.”  Steve Jobs

I trust you’ll figure it out.

The way we think about being ‘Unboring’ or ‘Lit Up’

First, as a disclaimer, we want to make it clear that we don’t equate “boring” with quiet or introverted- that’s not the same thing AT ALL- quiet people can be powerful seats of awareness and connection.  On the flipside, being lit-up or interesting is not showmanship, or performance- we are not here to be entertainers. The premise of tonight, and why we went out and did all the surveys and research on this subject, all turns on the idea that we are here to be lit up and connected and fully alive and empowered- in the most genuine way for us.   Also, it’s not binary- the same person can contain both fascinating and tedious elements.  It’s more a state of being than a personal trait.

We each come into the world curious and enthused- as learning machines, relationship machines. Children are infinitely interested and connected and therefore fascinating.  Think back to childhood. – picture a kid in a field in the summer, playing with bugs, riding a fat tire bike, rigging up a tree house, making up songs- so free and present.  And in this presence, they can see in a new way- it’s why they come up with the most unpredictable fresh things.

Yet, somewhere over the course of our lives, we often learn to shut down or put on masks- maybe to fit in with a certain culture or family, to not have attention drawn to you, to not make waves.   You may be culturally informed that being a “Tall Poppy” is a sure way to get cut down.  We say- if you want to be really enlivened and enlivening you may have to unlearn those ideas.   We come from the perspective that each person is infinitely interesting and unplumbable and changing daily- not that there’s something to fix, but possibly something to let go of so that you can REVEAL.

This can result in being in places where your brain is screaming inside your head- how did I get here?  I would rather be anywhere else than having this superficial interaction.   I wish I didn’t have to be courteous.  The opportunity cost of being in a boring space feels onerous.   So, can we actively change even those situations- when we’re  with people not accustomed to going deep, to connecting?  Yes, by being the change, by looking for the connection ourselves.

Break for active inquiry.  Pair up.  2 minutes each.  Describe your most interesting person and why.  Switch.  Now describe a boring person and why.  Share what you learned.

The foundations of not boring: Core Attitudes that make people “lit-up”:

The core attitudes toward the people we like being around, who are charismatic and not boring exhibit are as follows:

Toward self:  I’m okay.  I’m glad to be me.  I’m alive.  I make myself comfortable. I can forget myself and not be self conscious. I like myself.  “unerring, irrational belief in herself”

Toward others:  Other people are fascinating, and always changing.  I like other people.   One participant said:  “I don’t know anyone who is boring”.

Toward the world at large:  It is infinitely exciting.  There is never a lack of things to learn, to investigate, to try.  Things are always changing.  I like life, I like the world. What will happen next?

How not to be boring

1) Don’t be bored: The simplest way to put it:  if you don’t want to be boring, then don’t be bored. Interesting people are interested. To arouse a feeling of interest, a good 1^st step is to get in touch with your own wonder on a pretty constant basis.    Seek actively to shift your own ways of experiencing the world.

Activity, in pairs:  INTERESTED-NESS  EXERCISE:  What do you remember in the last 24 hours?  List them. Are you noticing?  What ideas caught your imagination?  What emotions did you have?  When did you get turned on?  What left you going, hmm?  What’s been interesting to you?

In our circle, the conversation on who the most interesting people were had a lot of comments like “People I learn from”, “People who have a deep repository of knowledge and share that” “Michael Krasny on KQED, because he can discourse intelligently on almost any subject”.

And, it’s not about the quantity of the experiences you have.  One of the most insightful comments of the evening was:  it’s not how many experiences you have had, but how you take those experiences and reflect on them and integrate them into who you are”.

2)  Give and receive: Interesting people exude inquiry and wonder and consciousness and thought- they are open on both sides- receiving and giving- they are open.  In fact, the most interesting people are channels, seemingly more than themselves.   Open in an expressive sense, and open in a listening sense- and the listening extends to an overall sensitivity and an ability to tune in to what is happening, where the spark is, where the energy is, and follow that thread.  In Kabbalah, there’s a story about being a pipe- equally open at the top to receive, and open at the bottom to give, so that things just flow through you.  If you’re closed at the top- closed to receiving, you get depleted- and if you’re closed at the bottom- you take and take and eventually combust.  This listening translates into what one person in the groups called “deep intuition”.

3) Get in your body:  Charisma has a kinetic energy.  Are you alive in and connected to your body?   As Jarrett Sleeper says: “Keep your vessel open and pliable and  strong and capable- and it will be mirrored in your psyche. Make divinity a good home- dress it with the things divinity likes: love, nurturing, beauty, care, celebration, appreciation.”

Jarrett talks about going to the zoo and seeing the tigers- seeing how they sleep, walk, how their noses wiggle, how they breathe, even hunch.  It’s fascinating- and they are just being themselves. Some people are like that, they are just so there.  Even their stillness has kinetic energy.  You can watch them sleep and not be bored.

This translates into the voice, too.  When you are interested it comes out through you:  you flush, your heart beats faster, you’re aroused.  And the speech pattern that is connected with this, according to research, is slightly aroused, also.  According to researchers, “The most charismatic speech is calm fluid fast, with limited ums.”

In our circle, people used phrases to describe this like:  “She had a certain sparkle” “She exudes a sense of being all there, all in”  “She operates in a place that is her own particular zone of genius” “He was all grace- so there.

BORING, MEET LIT-UP!

Boring is isolated.  Lit up is connected.

Boring is self absorbed and intent on the message it wants to deliver- context be damned.  Lit up is curious: it asks questions, why, how, what.  Lit up seeks connection.  It actively looks for the next hook, the link in the chain of conversation.  How are we common, how are we alike?  It values exploration and truth finding and discovery over certainty.

Boring is insecure.  Lit up likes being in their own skin. 

Lit up is grounded in themselves- they like themselves, they have  opinions or beliefs, and know what you care about- and in this security that they are okay, they are able to relax into forgetting themselves.   They can lose their self consciousness in order to be present with others, be present to their own experience.  Boring is anxious and self absorbed, which makes it impossible to connect.

If you are easy and unaffected, real- then people can dock in.  They can find a way in, and not be skating along the surface.  You can’t connect to an anxious person until they relax and take their own seat. And Disconnection?  Boring.

Boring is timid.   Lit up is brave.

Boring doesn’t want to say things that will offend or cause conflict, to look different or be different.  Boring is defensive and protective- it discourages other’s original thoughts.

But when you say the honest thing, the bold, direct thing, the thing no one wants to say, the room sighs with excitement and relief.   The heart of originality seems closely tied to honesty- to saying what is true.  Not to offend, not for shock value,  not “I’m just being honest” when I’m really being an asshole.   But saying what is really happening for you.

This means developing the core Lit up skill to be present and respond in the moment.  Not combative, but experimental.  Be challenging.  Be specific.  Expressive.  Be clear.

Boring is stuck.  Lit up is dynamic.

Boring believes it has all the answers.  It doesn’t explore.  It’s risk averse.  It’s one dimensional.  Getting caught up in your identity.  Lit up has FUN. Lit up isn’t afraid to fail.

Edward de Bono wrote a book called How to Have a Beautiful Mind- and the keys to that were cultivating a lifelong habit of “Listen, question, speculate.” The speculation part is fundamentally creative and free thinking.  Don’t be afraird to be wrong.

The list of characteristics people thought were the most boring all seemed to have an aspect of STUCK:  vagueness, vacuousness, unconsciousness, negativity, whininess, pettiness, always talking about problems, not grateful, repetitive. In the words of one participant, “I’m tired of hearing about how she doesn’t like your husband and her bad experience with hair color”.

Boring is selfish.  Lit up is generous.

Boring doesn’t share what it knows, it’s arrogant.  Lit up sees others as inherently valuable.  It shares, connects, gives.  It is interested in others, and shines it’s light on other people in the room.  Boring doesn’t engage.

It’s not a mandate to open up this way- it’s a choice.  You have one life, and so do the other people who interact with you.  Maximize it for all involved-  don’t waste it.  So go on!  Get out there, let your self shine out, connect-  and light up the room.

We vote for things that enhance the commons and the long term prospects of our culture, like environmental protections, child labor laws, workplace safety, toxin labeling, mandatory education. These constraints increase short term costs and may either increase prices or decrease profits. Citizens in a democracy are willing to accept that tradeoff- because while they like to make money, they ALSO want a country with good infrastructure, vibrant culture, research that will benefit the long term health of the population, a level economic playing field, clean air and water, a way to take care of the people who fall through the cracks in the society, and opportunities to thrive in their life in other ways.

Corporations, however, only have one measure of success, as mandated by fiduciary duty to shareholders- to maximize profits within the constraints of the law. Impact investors may add “within the constraints of our values” to constraints of the law, but profit maximization is still the driver.  (This is only one reason why corporations are not people and should not be considered as such. Even when corporations ‘do the right thing’ it’s usually directed at this motive- witness the recent FastCompany cover “why employee well being is good for profits”(!!!). How about employee well being is a moral and ethical human good, a human right, even?)

So when a corporation takes an opportunity to leave the body politic they are also breaking the social contract. They choose to jump ship on the constraints on capitalism voted on by a democratic society- one which has broader values to consider than profit alone.

For example, a corporation which moves its operations overseas for lower costs, whether through regulatory arbitrage on labor conditions, or environmental protections- is effectively saying- our profit matters more than your democracy. A corporation that minimizes its taxes says, we’re happy to make money from you, but not invest in the longterm good of the society.

Then when cheaply produced goods are moved back into the country at slave labor prices, and the consumption frenzy takes over, we move from a fair and just society that self sustains and is reasonable in its materialism, to one that is only about consumption, and not so much creation and production- people are at heart creators and producers, not only consumers. There is no dignity for the individual in this scenario.

When you have globalization, with all of its tentacles governing much of our lives on the one hand- and technology that is moving faster than government can adapt to its implications on the other, it feels like our democracy is indeed ineffectual in protecting the collective desires of the people to define the kind of society they would like to live in.

Democracy seems relatively powerless to stop the relentless march of banks and global corporations and their associated vested interests toward total world domination- governments are being run over or coopted by these forces.  All of this “whither America” presidential politicking maybe moot. The global digital system and for-profit interests may have stolen democracy already.

It’s time for a redesign.

Post Script: Check out this piece coming out of Davos 2012, which opened tonight.

Occupy Davos? Leaders greeted by doubts about capitalism: ‘Capitalism, in its current form, no longer fits the world around us,’ forum’s founder says

A few weeks ago I got the chance to visit San Quentin and speak with a community of prisoners who are working on personal transformation.  What a surprise.

Unexpected thing #1:  At San Quentin state prison, men with life eligible sentences play doubles tennis on the yard.  Unexpected thing #2: These men (who have at some point killed another person) and I?  We are more alike than I previously ever imagined.  Unexpected thing #3: They are engaged in a year long program to become non-violent persons and peacemakers, and have taken a student peacekeeper pledge that many people ‘on the outside’ can partake in.   

Jacques Verduin, a handsome Dutch Buddhist with a full mop of salt and pepper hair, coordinates a program at the Prison called Insight.  Insight educates prisoners toward self-awareness and away from violence.  And it works.  There’s an almost zero recidivism rate when prisoners are released after completing this program.

After I invited Jacques to speak to LoveSpring, a personal growth and spirituality community I run with Taylor Milsal, Jacques invited me to come to San Quentin, to his victim-offender communication class, to talk to the men about what it was like for me as a child to lose my mother to murder, the long shadow of violence, and about my own anger work.   I was intrigued that Jacques was having an impact with this work.  In my pursuit of living in unconditional love, not turning away from anyone, meeting people who had murdered and were working through that in their own lives, seemed to be another milestone, and I was very curious.

About San Quentin

For those who have never been to San Francisco, San Quentin is perched on the shoreline of SF bay,  in super luxe Marin county- at the foot of the Richmond Bridge, with a gorgeous waterfront and moist ocean air,  a view of Mt. Tamalpais in the distance.  The prison was built in 1855, and has the look of a castle or rookery; it’s a real spooky style old prison, with gothic arched windows.  There’s a post office and a hobby shop, where prisoners sell what they have made.  And the whole place, other then the building blocks themselves, is ramshackle as all hell.   Every process is paper based: you sign in and out on clipboards.  Paper laminate ids peel at the corners, signs are washed out, there is dirt in the corners, mismatched furniture, cracked cement, chain link fences leaning every which way.

And, it’s busy.  People of all stripes- medical personnel, priests, guards, volunteers, employees go in and out like a turnstile on the subway.

I sign in at the gate, they take my id and hold it.  I sign in again at the main entrance to the building.  We go through a double holding space- where the floor to ceiling metal grate closes behind you, and then once that is closed, another opens to let you into the prison.

In the prison yard

Once inside, there is the gesture toward landscaping, and on this stunning bluesky late fall day garden flowers in primary colors shout against the neutral cement backdrop.  There is a hospital. Jacques tells me it was an executive order from California’s governor, because people were dying in prison.

There are signs on buildings, painted lines on sidewalks all saying “out of bounds” to clearly indicate where a prisoner can and can’t go.   Jacques & I cross to go into the yard, to the education building.  I stick close by him.  As we approach another guard shack, he yells at me- who are you? Jacques intervenes, and we’re told that there’s a new policy,  you have to go around, the long way, use the ramp, and we are shoo’d in the other direction. So we go around.  The guard says he can’t protect us in the stairwell.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but here’s what I wasn’t expecting: doubles tennis in full swing.  Half court basketball in full swing.  And in the education building where our class will be?  The classrooms have those little alphabet strips- the  1^st grade writing charts- you know the double lines with the dash, the arrows showing which way to make a letter, teaching grown men how to write in cursive.  Some are literally just learning to read and write. And there’s a shelf of A History of The United States, the same textbook our kids used in 8^th grade.

I was told no jeans, no blue shirts, no neon.  Now I know why:  the men are all in blue jeans or blue shirts or blue prison issue pants that look like hospital gear.  The prisoners being transported are in Neon jumpsuits.  The guys in the yard are wearing whites, I guess those are gym shorts.  I’m not afraid, just self conscious.  We sign in yet again, and go to set up the classroom, moving tables away and circling up the chairs.

What Kind of a Prison?

The men come in.  They are all kinds of diverse: R (a 7 ft ginger with a red beard, maybe a size 14 shoe), T  (Filipino, he hardly speaks), R2 (lanky & 6’4 at least, with a big blue long distance stare), R3 (charismatic, wiry, native American), M (a baby faced black man with glasses), R4 (Asian, middle aged, he keeps falling asleep), F (a young Mexican man with small hands, very compact). Then me.  Then Jacques.

Jacques leaves the room, and I try some small talk.  I’m centered.  “It’s the first time I’ve been in a prison,” I say.  To which R2 replies,”What kind of prison?  There are all kinds- like the one in your head.”  And R3 chimes in, “Or an abusive relationship, that’s a prison …..or a financial prison.” So, this is how it’s gonna be- no small talk.  Right to the big stuff.  It’s on.

The Imprint of Violence and Neglect

Jacques asked me to tell the story of what happened to me, or rather what happened to my mother.  I’m glossing over it here, but essentially I told them that my mother’s body was found in a field off the interstate, near Zionsville, IN, that she was identified by her dental records.  That her killer was never found.  That suddenly the source of warmth and comfort and assurance of a 10 year old girl was ripped away, and that it changed everything for me, in an instant.  That there isn’t a day that goes by that some shadow of that shows up.  Etcetera, etcetera. He asked for reactions to my story.  One man was choked up a little, and he said, “the man I killed had a baby son.  That boy will never know his father and this story reminds me of that.”

And now it was my turn.  How, I asked, can you kill a person?  What goes through your head?  How could you take this life?  How could someone have looked at my beautiful vibrant mother and thought that they would just end her life, not wondering who else it would impact?

There was a long pause, and then one by one, they told their stories on how they ended up killing someone, with pretty strong self awareness and clarity.

The theme was this:  these men as children knew nothing of what it means to be loved and held and safe.  In fact, from almost birth, they know nothing but drugs and violence.  It’s like a how not to raise a human primer- abusive foster care,  8 year olds running interference on drug deals and domestic discord, the sense of being isolated, of being judged, of being on their own- building walls and defenses daily that don’t include the world view “love and serve each other”.  And the physical abuse they received was their own school on how to treat others.

So at 17 or 18 or 19 or 20, they end up in some scenario where they choose to take a life- out of revenge or anger or vigilante justice.  And then they are in San Quentin for 20 or 30 years.  The men in this room were using part of that time to try to figure out how to change.

The Longing for Love and Acceptance

The other thread was this: they often did what they did out of a misplaced longing for love and acceptance.  One man even said as much.  It mattered more to him, on the streets at 17, in that moment to be accepted by the other 2 boys he was with- to be one of the gang and go along with that- in a scheme of getting back at a neighborhood perpetrator who had wronged some of the girls the boys went to school with- than the other man’s life.  His entire turning away from the family that abused him and turning toward the street for a new family, that was all from the seeking for love, the love he couldn’t rightfully get from his mother.

The False Promise of a Virtual Family

But the gang, street, made up community never satisfies.  In the end, it is the reconciliation and forgiveness with the family of origin, the reunification and integration of this core identity, that is required for full healing.

In a chosen family (a circle of friends, or team,  or church, or place work, etc), you may experience the sense of community and shared values and love that comes in healthy families, but in any separation there is never the fullness of  accepting one’s source, the part of oneself that has been denied or run from.  Much of the work the men are doing involves healing and coming to terms with the people who harmed them- some internal reconciliation.  It doesn’t have to be in person if its not safe, but it does have to be done- accepting and repatterning that which was run from.

Guiding Rage Into Power

As I left, the men showed me the pledge they were making- a year of living in awareness and learning skills to change the way lived in the world, with a long list of tenets they intended to follow.   They wondered, would I sign the pledge, too?

I looked.  I read it.  I thought, whoa- could I try to live like this?  Could you?

Here’s the pledge.

GRIP (Guiding Rage Into Power): Student’s Pledge on being Nonviolent and being a Peacemaker (copyright Jacques Verduin)

Taking this pledge is about transforming my violence and healing my rage, starting with me, here and now, in this correctional facility.  I make this pledge as a student and if I graduate from the GRIP Program in 12 months, I will have gained the skills to turn this pledge into a life-long commitment in the presence of my community.

I pledge to:

• Stop my violence and practice peaceful ways of interacting with myself and others.
• Pray for healing for my victims and dedicate my study of this program to them.
• Learn how to respond rather than react by learning to mindfully observe my experience through regular practice so I can make wise decisions.
• Treat my physical body with care by not overworking or overdoing and finding a balance between work & rest.  I will strive to eat wisely, not smoke, or use alcohol or other substances.
• Be true to my word and do as I say.  I commit to being transparent and truthful because lying is abusive.
• Take only things that are given freely, not take things that don’t belong to me and live within my means.
• Learn how to listen to myself and others, especially those who disagree with me.
• Understand that blaming, judging & criticizing people is disempowering and creates conflict.  I strive to forgive others, let go of grudges and resentments and apologize whenever it is helpful to do so.
• Take responsibility for how I regulate my emotions, understanding that ultimately other people never make me feel the way I feel.
• Strive to learn how to express genuine affection, achieve intimacy and not harm others as a sexual being.
• Strive to establish equality in my relationships with other beings (especially women).  I also strive to establish equality with people of different races, color, gender, sexual orientation, stature and religious backgrounds.  This also includes elders and children, as well as not harming animals and all living things on this planet.
• Engage responsibility as an opportunity, not a burden; as a way to self actualize and create change in the world.
• Seek to understand and communicate the needs underneath my anger or frustration.  Commit to processing my feelings and find strength in my ability to be vulnerable.
• Become someone who seeks to understand more than seeks to be understood.
• Share with other program participants and not hide the times I fail to stick to this pledge.
• Challenge violence firmly but kindly, in all its forms wherever I encounter it and to stand with others who are treated unfairly, even if it means standing alone.

I commit to this program as if life depends on it, because I understand that it does.

I_______________, commit myself to becoming a nonviolent person and a trained peacekeeper.

END of Pledge

If you think you can sign the pledge, with all integrity, and make a commitment to living like this in your own life, print it out, sign it and send a copy, maybe with a letter as why you’re interested in working on these intentions.  You may also send a picture of yourself.  Your pledge and correspondance will be a support to them and to you.   A workbook version of the curriculum will be available in 2012.

Send your pledge, and if you’d like to make a donation in any amount to PO BOX 888, Woodacre, CA, 94973 to Jacques Verduin.   Insight Out is a fiscally sponsored 501c3, so make checks to Peace Development Fund with Insight Out on the memo line.

What I am finding is that there are some basic work skills that people just don’t have, and they aren’t related to education.  They are however, related to teachability, and to accountability. These skills speak volumes to how easy it might be to work with you over the long haul.

Does this seem like tough love? Read the corollary post:  Why Noone Wants to Work for You.

Why Noone Wants to Hire You:

1) You don’t follow through.  When given a small task, you don’t do what you say you will do, or you only do it half way.  You always have an excuse or a reason for not doing the work on time.  You don’t really take the time to listen to the requirements, critical dates or drivers, and internalize them.

2) You don’t take initiative or think for yourself. You don’t take responsibility for your own life.  You are waiting for someone to give you a handout, to answer your life questions for you.   You don’t care enough about your own life path to attempt to define it and make it happen.  You just “want a job”.  This extends into how passively you show up in your job.

3) You have a lot of drama, and/or distractions. You care more about your hobbies than your work.  You are in a bad relationship or marriage and it spills out into your moods or ability to focus.  You aren’t mentally or emotionally present, or you are strung out on something.

4) You don’t connect the dots. You don’t ask why you are doing a task and then check to see if the way you are doing it will meet the business goal, or if it will impede it.  You don’t check to see how your approach will impact the customer (revenues or user experience) or the business (costs and efficiency).  You are kind of unaware in what impact your work has on others.

5) You’re missing basic emotional skills. Like the ability to take care of yourself and others.  The ability to not blame and  refrain from gossip.  You are snarky.  You have trouble telling the whole truth & being direct.  You have some sort of chip on your shoulder.  You are competitive to the point of being untrustworthy.  You take but don’t give.  You’re self awareness is still in its infancy.

Want to get hired?  Want to be the go to person on a project?

Show up and do what you say you’re going to do, think for yourself, keep your drama to a minimum, connect the dots between your role/tasks and the big picture, be an emotional grown up.

Even if your resume isn’t brilliant, you can start from these principles, learn any tangible technical skills needed to do the work, and go anywhere you want with it.

Here are the top 5 reasons people don’t want to work for you:

1) You are unclear on what you want, so it’s impossible for anyone to be successful. You subconsciously believe that people should be mind readers. The corollary to this is you keep changing your mind or changing direction, or find it difficult to progress projects forward.  This is exhausting for a team, as there is no real progress or accomplishment to point to.

2) You focus on the negative, so people feel beaten down. If there are 99 good things and 1 bad, you’ll make sure to mention the bad one.  Praise is faint, criticism is throbbing.  You focus on details and lose the big picture.  This shuts down creativity and risk taking.

3) You don’t care about people as individuals: they are just a means to an end, a way to get the job done.  When the job is done, they are disposable to you.  Or even worse, you only care about making yourself look good, or feeling good- and when that’s no longer possible or necessary- you take the light of your attention elsewhere.  Noone goes the extra mile if they don’t feel seen and appreciated.

4) You are a workaholic, and expect the people around you to be the same way.  Just because you didn’t get the love you needed just for being you, doesn’t mean it’s right.  Especially if you expect them to work for YOUR EQUITY and not their own!  More long term thinking about what’s right for the people on the team wins the day.

5) You have created no connection between daily activity and a higher purpose or mission. When questions like “Why are we here, doing this work, anyway?” or  “What’s it for, this trade of my life energy for this work?” arise, you have no good answer, other than something to the effect of “It’s your job.”  Without meaning, you have to fork over a LOT of money to bring in good people.  Having a shared mission reduces your costs significantly- and accelerates accomplishment.

You want people to work for you, joyfully, willingly, overtime, with their full hearts and brains?

Then create meaning:  make sure what you are doing in the world is something important, something that gives the work meaning; love people: see them as individuals with a full spectrum of needs and infinite capacity, help them grow, lift them up.  And be a good communicator: be clear, be honest, be direct, be positive.

Even if the job market wasn’t so tight, people would be flocking to your door.

Read the corollary post:  Why Noone Wants to Hire You

Back in 2008, when the economy had begun to tank and we were doing a lot of conscious work on ourselves, we decided that the best thing we could give each other was more connection and support.

We wanted the same level of depth and dialogue in our family circle (our kids, then ages 6 to 23, each other, our parents) that we were getting with strangers in the classes we were taking. We wanted to express gratitude, wonder and appreciation at the year gone by, to connect and communicate with those that we love, to help each person clarify their own intentions for the coming year, and to let each other know what we needed in the way of support.

So we set aside one of the holiday afternoons when everyone was gathered for a new tradition: a family inquiry and promise circle.   We asked each person to spend some time alone in the morning doing some kind of vigorous exercise to clear their head: hiking, bike riding, dancing. We asked for all devices and electronics to stay off all day.  We set up a snacky buffet and an art table with magazines and glue and markers in case people wanted to do their books visually… then we paired up in unlikely pairs, and handed out the promise booklets with the questions in them, so people could work side by side on their answers and really give them some good thought.

Late in the afternoon, we gathered in a circle, all piled up on pillows and blankets and cuddled with popcorn and cider and teas, and put all the questions in a hat.  We pulled a question and went around the circle while everyone referred to their notes and shared their answers.  There were some sibling ground rules, like no heckling, and only one person talks at once, and how to do non-judgmental inquiry, and that was cool.  There were a lot of questions in the book, but we only pulled 5 to do in the circle.  Then, we did a final round robin, where each person could have an extended time to talk about where they were at and what mattered to them and what kind of help they wanted in the coming year making that happen.  Lots of play and smiles and nodding heads ensued.

It takes some amount of willingness to play and open up to do it “formally”-with all the intentions and format, but even if your family’s not up for the whole thing, you can sneak in the inquiry by just using the question list to get a little deeper than “how are you?”.  It was so rewarding for each person to be asked meaningful questions and actively listened to by the whole family, to be known in that way- and even our 6 year old had really profound answers to the questions we asked.

The questions were divided in reflections and preflections:

Reflections:

• What was your most glorious moment this year?
• What did you learn (something tangible or life-lesson-ish)?
• What will you never do again that you did this year?
• What was your most embarrassing moment?
• What happened in the outside world that impacted you the most?
• What’s working and what’s not working in your life?
• What do you want more of?
• What are you most proud of?
• What’s the most memorable moment?
• When did you laugh the hardest?
• When did you cry the most?
• If the year had a theme for you, what would it be?

Preflections:

• What gets you energized when you think about the year ahead?
• What are you most concerned about in the bigger world?
• What habits do you want to change to let your best self shine?
• What relationships do you want to improve or change?
• Who do you want to meet?
• What experiences do you hope for?
• How will you serve?
• What do you want to accomplish?
• What do you intend the theme of the year to be?
• What are your goals in you avocations?
• What are your goals in your vocation?
• What are you dreaming of?  Paint your most fantastical vision of your most fulfilled self.

I hope you try it.  Sometimes the most unexpected things come out, especially from the youngest ones.

In gratitude,

Christine

By looking at broad basic skill sets required for healthy adult functioning, and then by breaking down emotional skills into smaller bites, it’s easier to get at a full developmental profile.  One can better assess where the growth edge is, and set a plan to get better at that aspect, through coursework, training, examples, techniques and practice.   You can get a sort of emotional health check up, a look at your vital signs in each area.

Emotional and spiritual skills are like language skills in many ways-e.g,  they can be learned, they come easier for some then others, and people learn them in different ways.

What, I thought, if we could have a grown up school that allowed self directed learning to fill in the gaps we never knew how to address, before it got to a crisis point?  For example, if self care were the skill issue, you’d see it on your personal inquiry, before you got diabetes.  If listening was the skill issue, you’d work on it before getting to marriage counseling.  You wouldn’t get to age 35 and still be shattered over a break-up.  You wouldn’t run from the truth of living outside your means.

Thus came this idea of “grownup school”, and a model for a complete skill set that we could work on.  The more I looked healthy, optimized emotional skills in myself and others, where things cause pain, or send happiness or contentment tumbling, every skill rested easily on one of two dimensions:  capacities on the spectrum of self and other, and capacities on the spectrum of freedom and restraint.

Read:  Part 2: Self and Other

There are 4 aspects on the continuum of Self and Other.

1.  Acceptance

Self Acceptance: On this aspect, a person is able to accept himself right now, where he or she is at, with any perceived flaws and imperfections, and speak to oneself with a voice of kindness.  If a person is unable to accept themselves, the result is a constant inner negator and critic, making happiness impossible- when this is coupled with being able to accept others, it shows up as jealousy.

Q: Do I speak to myself in kindness?  Can I laugh at myself?  Do I feel pretty good by myself?  Can I happily be alone with myself?

Acceptance of others: They can accept others as they are, without trying to change them or judge them.  If one is unable to accept others, but to accept self, it shows up as arrogance and disconnection.

Q:  Can I allow others to be the way they are without judging them?  Can I happily be with others?

2.  Care

Self Care: On this aspect, a person is able to care for the self, however a person only able to care for the self becomes self-centered, alienated and  grasping.

Q:  Am I able to feed myself well?  Am I able to move and care for my body?  Am I able to get adequate rest?  Do I get health and dental care?  Do I create a foundation for my own safety/security?  Do I choose safe relationships?

Other Care: A person is able to provide nurturing support to others.  A person only able to care for others is left depleted and unhealthy.

Q: Do I have empathy? Can I nurture others?  Do I give freely without expectation of return? Am I dependable?  Do I show up for others?

3.  Communication

Speaking:  On this aspect, I am able to speak and listen to truth while staying grounded and holding on to my well being.  As an individual, I know and say what is true for me, and I can listen to others saying what is true for them.  When the skill of truth-speaking is out of balance,  I say yes when I mean no, or make commitments without intention, or keep difficult topics to myself out of fear of conflict, or go along to get along.

Q: Can I say what is true for me, calmly and clearly?  Am I self aware enough to know what is true for me, to hear that still, small voice?

Listening: When the skill of listening is out of balance, when their words make me so uncomfortable that I can’t hear them, I may do things like:  talk over others, bully them into being quiet, leave the room, create a red herring or a distraction, avoid them, or make fun of them.

Q: Can I calmly and deeply listen to what is true for others, and stay present and curious?

4.  Direction

Self Directed: On this aspect, I am able to both set my direction independently and to collaborate with others when needed. I can determine my desires and enact plans to achieve them.  However, if I am only able to self-direct, then I am a loner, a wild card, an eccentric, headstrong.

Q: Can I set a goal for myself and follow through on it?  Can I plan my time and day to be in balance with my priorities?  Do I know what I want? Can I stick to things and keep commitments?

Other Directed: When needed I can follow others and learn from them.   When not balanced with self direction, I am a “yes man”, a robot, an automaton, a “good girl”, a conformist- not fulfilled. I have the sense I am living someone else’s life.

Q: Can I respect others strengths and defer to a larger goal when needed?  Can I collaborate or work as part of a team? Do I how up for other people?  Can I trust others?

Read Grown Up School Part 3: Freedom & Restraint