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This is what I learned in 28 years of parenting 6 kids (4 of my own and the two beautiful McCaull girls). I wanted to subtitle it “How to Raise Conscious Cool People”, because all of them are amazing. Although I wrote and illustrated it for my daughter, Samantha, it’s for any new mom or dad, really – a manifesto of love and freedom.
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“On his right hand Billy’d Tattoed the word love, and on his left hand, the word fear. In which hand, he held his fate, was never clear.”- Cautious Man, Bruce Springsteen
How do we balance the need for openness and safety?
Trust can be as simple as…”He would tell me if there was food in my teeth.” “She doesn’t gossip about me behind my back.” “He’s not secretly wishing he was somewhere else.” “Her resume is accurate.” “I believe my boss’s intentions are aligned with mine.” “He meant I when he said I was the only one, and that he too liked Muskrat Love.”
It can be as big as “The election system is fair.” The police are officers of the peace.” “We go to war to protect the innocent not to empire build.” “The world is a giving place. I will always be provided for.”
People hold a huge range of perspectives on their relationship to others. Are people basically good, or are they out to get you? Is the universe trustworthy or chaotic?Is the world fair, or unfair? We walk in the world making constant judgment calls on whether we will open up or protect ourselves.
When we talk about trust, we can mean so many things. We could mean truthfulness, dependability or fallibility. Further, some of our trust framework is unique to us and biases us (our own wiring, prior experiences)- and some trust is based on intuitive (and often accurate) readings of external circumstances.
Tonight we’re going to look at trust- where we sit on the continuum of trusting and trustworthy, the cost and risk of that position, and whether we can hack or change our fundamental beliefs about trust.
We’re also going to look at lying a little bit. Why people lie and when and what that’s about. How do we develop the tools to be more trustworthy, and to elicit more truth telling from others.
Trust is this magic lever: it makes everything just work.
When you trust others, you can do stuff even if you don’t have all the information. You essentially have few transaction costs. You can do stuff all the contingency planning and backup plan. You don’t have to verify. You don’t have to snoop, to wonder, to scenario plan. It’s a restful choice to trust. It’s been identified as the biggest variable in the success of developing nations- trust in the government, in systems, in the rule of law, between people- is a reliable predictor of prosperity.
Still, there’s the other side- the legitimate concern that everyone may not be safe. You’ve seen the bumper sticker “Just because your paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you”. As one Buddhist I know says,”How can I have a peaceful life if I’m suspicious of everyone? By trusting people, I could probably improve my quality of life. If I trust, I will get hurt- but even in the hurting I learn more about the world than I did when I hid behind barricades.”
All spiritual traditions acknowledge the restful ease of trusting. In yoga practice as you go into sivasana, they tell you “it’s okay now to let go- the world will hold you up. Let your muscles melt into the floor.” In the new testament, Matthew posits: “Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They don’t toil, neither do they spin.”
Biological and Developmental Trust Factors
Trust is in part based in our biology. We are wired to form connections, and not just as individuals, but as social animals, living in a network. There are actually evolutionary bases of trust between humans. Here’s an excerpt from J.D. Clippinger:
According to evolutionary psychologists and biologists, the human brain evolved many highly sophisticated social exchange algorithms for interpreting, signaling, and coordinating human interactions. It turns out that human beings evolved as a social species – not as atomic individuals, and hence, evolved joint innate mechanisms for shared behaviors and experiences. We have biologically encoded, preconscious mechanisms for joint social exchange and coordination- social scaffoldings that trigger people’s innate propensity to trust and exchange. Neurosciences and several neuro-economic experiments have shown that the principal mental processes involved in economic activities are not conscious but preconscious, and hence, not reflective, utility maximizing nor principally self-interested.
Experiments have demonstrated that there are specific neural mechanisms for trust – (detecting cheaters, sense of fairness, shame, fairness, etc.) and they have a high degree of social fitness value.
This evolutionary trust is different than developmental skills in trusting the world. Child development theorist Erik Erikson says that learning trust is the 1st psychosocial developmental task, happening in children between birth and 2 years:
Erik Erikson’s theory centers around the infant’s basic needs being met by the parents. The major developmental task in infancy is to learn whether or not other people, especially primary caregivers, regularly satisfy basic needs. If caregivers are consistent sources of food, comfort, and affection, an infant learns trust- that others are dependable and reliable. If they are neglectful, or perhaps even abusive, the infant instead learns mistrust- that the world is in an undependable, unpredictable, and possibly a dangerous place. While negative, having some experience with mistrust allows the infant to gain an understanding of what constitutes dangerous situations later in life.
In other words, if you master this psychosocial skill, if you learn early that “I am good, wanted, competent, loveable. My world feels safe. People respond to my needs”- then you’re off to a good start. And, if you don’t learn this? Well, let’s just say this base insecurity tags along until you consciously start working on undoing it. Whether our core trust relationship is healthy or not, we will carry it forward into all of our adult relationships. In order to heal early breaks in attachment, we require a real brain hack- it’s hard work- but also very rewarding. Treatments like EMDR, corrective attachment therapy, hypnosis or cognitive retraining all seem to work.
If you have an early miseducation in this key area, you have to rewire your own brain, rebuild it to get to the point where you can attach and trust others.
Categorical Distrust: Learned Blind Spots
If we are to become more accurately trusting, we need to also look at where we have developed emotional keloids- unneeded armor against the supposed “teachings“ of prior experience.
We all have categorical blind spots based on experiences. Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink laid that out in detail.
“The sequence goes something like this: on an occasion when we are extending trust, often contributing extra, something happens which leaves us feeling burnt, or betrayed. The emotional response is immediate: shock, fear, loss, anger. The mental reaction is a “never again” decision that affects trust. These decisions are logical, but are often categorical, over-protective, and therefore limiting.”
In other words: Protecting ourselves disables us. We develop biased screens and use those to make snap decisions and reactions. THE DEGREE OF SELF PROTECTION IS EQUAL TO SEVERITY OF PERCEIVED WOUNDS. IF CORE BELIEFS ARE RIGID, AUTOMATIC, SELF-PROTECTING: THERE IS NO FREEDOM.
Once in a while, evaluating our own categorical biases and prejudices is necessary- where have we imposed our own rigidities? Where are we carrying categorical impersonal distrust based on some prior experience, that may not actually be broadly valid?
Trusting Individuals: Working, Living, Loving
Trust drives our most effective relationships, and determines how much we count on others, or how much to back away. It’s not always about truth-it can be on other dimensions- for example:
Leadership- do I trust your vision?
Reliability- do I trust your promises?
Veracity- do I trust your facts?
Capacity- do I trust your driving?
The paradox of interdependence in personal relationships.
As the spheres get more intimate, there is increasingly high risk in being wrong about trusting others, which would naturally make these some of the most challenging places to trust (the phenomenon implied in Landslide: “I built my world around you.”)
Who doesn’t want the rest that comes from a settled intimate relationship? George Eliot’s quote captures it:
That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger–not to be interfered with by speech or action which would distract the sensations from the fresh enjoyment of repose.
So, where is the paradox? According to Kelly and Thibaut, as passed on by the site the Truth About Deception:
Close relationships are based on interdependence, which is rewarding and helps people move better in the world. As interdependence increases, telling the truth is essential- we need to know each other. The paradox, is that interdependence also creates many constraints. As interdependence increases, people are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.
Telling the truth is easy do to when interdependence is low – like revealing deeply personal information to a complete stranger sitting on a plane. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit). When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence means that telling the truth carries more risk: it can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain one’s goals.
The greatest irony: Lying to retain intimacy or to be seen favorably actually stops you from getting the love you want in the first place
Being truthful about ourselves is the only way to experience and feel real love. The only way to let it in. Otherwise at some subconscious level, you just think they love you because you tricked them, or they don’t know the real you. Real love is based on complete unconditional truth telling. If you want to do work in this area: REAL LOVE! Or, go one step further, to Radical Honesty, where the motto is stop the stories, stop the fear.
Sometimes though, we don’t seem to know truth from our own stories. If you need help figuring out how to get to “what is true”, do the work of Byron Katie. It’s simple, it’s effective, it’s amazing.
5 Ways to Strength the Fabric of Trust
The foundation of living freely, and trusting the universe is rooted in real work on self awareness and development.
But, if you’re looking for some quick tips to be more trustworthy and create more trust in your life, here are 5 excellent practices to begin with.
1. Generosity: Look to positively impact others before you consider your own agenda.
2. Communicate Graciously: Listen deeply. Be composed and respectful: don’t interrupt, argue, frown, get restless. Speak frankly but privately. Be curious more than pushing your own message.
3. Truth Telling: Tell what is true for you, without judging, blaming or fearing others.
4. Accountability: We are all interdependent. Do what you say you will do. Commit, but don’t overcommit.
5. Humility: Correct mistakes and miscommunications early.
To live openly, we need to be healthy and whole in our own selves. We need to be comfortable with the truth of ourselves. And we need to have the skills to relate to others who may or may not be there yet, with all the uncertainty those interactions can bring.
On that note, let’s close with a quote from one who could bend circumstances to his vision: “Don’t be afraid. Wrap your head around it. You can do it.” Steve Jobs
Visiting San Quentin State Prison, and What I Didn’t See Coming
A few weeks ago I got the chance to visit San Quentin and speak with a community of prisoners who are working on personal transformation. What a surprise.
Unexpected thing #1: At San Quentin state prison, men with life eligible sentences play doubles tennis on the yard. Unexpected thing #2: These men (who have at some point killed another person) and I? We are more alike than I previously ever imagined. Unexpected thing #3: They are engaged in a year long program to become non-violent persons and peacemakers, and have taken a student peacekeeper pledge that many people ‘on the outside’ can partake in. (more…)
In our continued effort to offer relevant content and community for conscious living, we have launched Santa Rosa Yoga, serving practicing yogis, professionals and the yoga curious in the North Bay area.
The greater Santa Rosa area is home to more than 200,000 people, with a higher than average interest in healthy lifestyles and spiritual living. The site offers a directory of teachers, studios and events, and original content on practicing, as well as a book and product review section, and a curated shop.
If you are interested in yoga, visit the site, and maybe follow SRY’s updates on Twitter.
As a preface to this: This is a personal account, told as bluntly as I can tell it, and because I hope that others will be helped if I narrate my path. Also, I have come to completely love, accept and forgive anything in my family of origin- and I really loved my dad. That doesn’t change the truth of the story.
I had a mad dad. When things didn’t go well, he would bang and break. He would bully sales clerks and support people with his analytical brilliance. There was usually a low level of exasperation and sighing in his presence. It was this way before my mother died, and continued until he was well into stage 4 cancer. My stepmom wore her jaw down by clenching it over many decades, and although she’s a very cool and aware person now, I can remember her kicking her foot through my plywood bedroom door, because I had locked it and wouldn’t come out. I never understood their anger, I just learned to get out of the unhappy way, and wait for the good part of them to return. I would run, hide out, dream, and wait for the wave to pass. But the loneliness and fear in these moments didn’t stop me from growing up and doing the same kind of thing in my own household. (more…)
Note: Those of you who know me may also know that for a long time my family complained about my Blackberry use, that I had this PDA holstered at all times, that I love social media and that I had been known to compulsively text while driving. This makes me busy & productive, but also diffused- not Conscious or On Purpose. About a year ago, it came to me that I wanted a different quality of work and creation, restful and easy, so I started to unplug- first a little bit each day, then around bedtime, then increasing blocks of time this year: 2 days, then 4, then almost completely for 10 days on a vacation. The result: incredibly fecund creativity, deeper connections and relationships, a doubling of my income, and I’m 10 pounds lighter. I started listening in to the most productive, highest level people I know, and they all, to a one, have the habit of disciplined unplugging. This piece is the result of that inquiry.
We love the internet but…..
The Pew Center for Internet Research says the web has made information “abundant, cheap, personal & participatory”. It has given us information we need, when and where we need it. We now have the ability to keep connected despite being such a mobile world- with tighter ties with far flung friends and family (free Skype calls to Europe, anybody?). Some have even called the web an external hard drive for humanity, a sort of intermediate stage collective consciousness.
However, from an attention standpoint, we’ve all been hit with a one-two punch: first, there’s been a huge shift in the sheer volume of information consumed (a 2009 UC study claimed an increase of 350% in the amount of information consumed daily between 1980 and 2008), and second, there’s been a shift to pervasive interface (cell phones, smart phones, remote working, social networks, 1 minute news cycle, status updates). This always-connected living has changed our collective habits (from CrackBerry use in meetings to texting while driving), the depth of our interactions and the structure of our brains.
The shift in the pace and method of information exchange is shifting the quality of our relationships and changing the quality of our outputs. Moreover, the rapid news and ‘status’ cycles causes us to pay attention to stuff that often doesn’t relate to our goals.
To create defensible mental space, and do your best work, you have to block out the external noise and the distractions for a long enough period of time to get centered and to flow. (more…)
There are 8 suggested “limbs” to a yoga practice- only one of which is the postures and physical exercises.
The first 2 limbs of yoga are actually the 5 suggestions for spiritual practices (the niyamas) and the 5 behaviors one should avoid to live a spiritual life (the yamas). These are considered the foundation of a yoga practice. Without these “life practices”, any exercises, meditations and energetic control will be less effective at creating love, joy, peace and harmony in one’s world (aka: yoga).
While studying these sutras, I was struck by the fact that the ni/yamas bear a very very strong resemblance to the religious and judicial code of the Abrahamic faiths- aka, the 10 commandments of Judaism, Christianity and Islam- but that they are more open ended and demand much more of the practitioner. (more…)
For the past week, we’ve been looking hard at the things that fill our spaces and our thoughts. We then put every stuffed animal, every outgrown princess dress, every read-once hardcover book and seen-once DVD, every pair of 12 year old girl not quite right pair of jeans, every extra lamp and shelf and chair, every lego in a big pile. Then, we had a garage GIVE- set up a shelter in front of the house, hung signs, and made a karma wish exchange plan- and everything was free for the taking.
I cannot tell you how much fun it was. One small girl, maybe 4, had just been reunited with her mother after 2 years apart- she held her shoulder bag open and went “shopping”- for ballet clothes and dolls and warm things. Her grin was ear to ear. We did the same at the office- electronics, paper files, office supplies.
The next step was to repair all broken things. Each nail hit was stewardship.
How does it feel to unblock this stored energy? MAGNIFICENT. So free, so light, so healthy. It lets us focus on the things we do have that we want at the center, it lets us focus on experiences and connection and the miracle of being alive.
This is the power of letting go of what you don’t need. Infinite space for the things you do, and someone’s huge smile as you transfer your energy to them.
I’ve been in an unpleasant state on and off for a while…one could say subdued..lethargic…sometimes touching on existential gloom- forgetting my true nature. In my mind I hear my teacher saying,”Just go to the mat- even if it’s only 20 minutes a day- tune into your breath- the source of all things breathing you.” That’s all it takes to stay connected and aware, right?
But sometimes that home practice isn’t enough and you must get into the studio and gratefully fall into the hands of another’s rhythm, and just flow. So today was a studio day- the ritual of getting my stuff together, burning fossil fuels, arriving early…I was in Larkspur, sitting in the lush cushy couches, perusing the coffee table books… and still more than a little grumpy.
I look down, and there’s a book on the table called Unstuck and it’s got a bright red cover, and I can’t resist shiny baubles, so I grab it. It’s by a medical doctor, James Gordon, but one who comes with a full quiver of alternative modalities and mind-body tools.
The book is a really interesting read, with specific how-tos for leveraging exercise, yoga, meditation, cognitive games, other things to overcome depression and that general stuck feeling- in a highly specific, personalized way. While much of it is common knowledge, his voice and approach are really clear and compassionate without any condescension. He frames life’s down periods not so much as a disease, as much as a natural reaction to life. He doesn’t dismiss western pharmaceuticals, offering good data on drugs- on how the brain and neurochemistry work- and also on herbs, alternative therapies. I was mostly impressed with the holistic logic of his treatment approach, and some of the super practical behavioral and perceptual ideas to handle specific negative feelings.
For example, one exercise was on feeling disconnected, a bane of many people who live and work in isolation, young moms, the elderly. So he talks about practicing connection. And about putting yourself in a place to connect and then breathing in, and allowing what happens to happen.
So after an entrancing flow class with the wonderful Christina Forth, I sat back down on the couches. And just was present, allowing the world to come in, not continuing to self-sever, to cut off from others and be in my head. And lo and behold, so did Christina. A gentle and meaningful dialogue ensued- on women and yoga, language, service field trips, the joy of using the linear brain in legal work or business, child bearing, “reentry”…exchanges of contacts. She really is a delight.
I was reminded that just on the other side of disconnection is conscious presence and listening and allowing, helped by conscious awareness and lots of deep breathing. Go to the mat, practice off the mat- it’s a short distance between where you stand at any given moment and remembering who you truly are.
When I first started practicing yoga, I thought Namaste must mean in some way “class dismissed”. Over the years I came to understand the literal interpretation as “the God in me acknowledges the God in you.” But it may just now be coming to full understanding. Let me tell you about Agape….
John and I were in LA a few weeks ago, and after years of being invited and resisting, we went to Agape for the first time. Agape is the powerhouse interdenominational spiritual center started by MB Beckwith and his lovely shining wife Rickie- now grown to 1000s, where the walls carry Gandhi and Jesus and the Dalai Lama and MLK. The congregation in itself- even without a word being said- is a prayer- the fellowship is every race, age and nationality- an example for the world. Their service starts with this cavernous room of people in 30 minutes of silent meditation, followed by a blow the roof off gospel choir and universal positive messages of giving and connecting. For those of us from mainline, divisive traditions, it’s revelatory.
So, during this service, the Rev Leon does a bit of biblical scripture, and I’ve been carrying it with me every since- it’s really changed how I see people, and how I react to things.
Leon pulled up the moment at the Last Supper when Jesus says to those gathered, “So, who do people say I am?”, and the disciples respond, “oh..they say you’re Elijah…Abraham…”. JC turns to Peter and says to him, “So, who do YOU say I am?”. Peter looks at him directly and replies, “You? Oh, you’re the son of G*d”. The speaker’s interpretation was that this observation was not limited to Jesus- that you could walk in the world with this recognition all the time. So you meet your friend, your child, your colleague, you see them through this lens, greeting them with a silent “Hey, I know you! You’re the daughter of god!”. When you are connecting to your partner, you are connecting to the beloved. When you are feeling separate, you come to connection through your COMMON connection to the universal energy that flows through you both.
That is Namaste. Namaste doesn’t mean class dismissed. It means, “Hey, I know you…I see you…I recognize you…you’re a child of the universe…the same energy flows through both of us… in our highest and most abiding selves, we are the same.”
