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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category
Monday, December 19th, 2011
Visiting San Quentin State Prison, and What I Didn’t See Coming
A few weeks ago I got the chance to visit San Quentin and speak with a community of prisoners who are working on personal transformation. What a surprise.
Unexpected thing #1: At San Quentin state prison, men with life eligible sentences play doubles tennis on the yard. Unexpected thing #2: These men (who have at some point killed another person) and I? We are more alike than I previously ever imagined. Unexpected thing #3: They are engaged in a year long program to become non-violent persons and peacemakers, and have taken a student peacekeeper pledge that many people ‘on the outside’ can partake in. (more…)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2011
Are people giving you only a fraction of what they are capable of? Do they go home early? Yawn in meetings? Seem disheartened?
Here are the top 5 reasons people don’t want to work for you:
1) You are unclear on what you want, so it’s impossible for anyone to be successful. You subconsciously believe that people should be mind readers. The corollary to this is you keep changing your mind or changing direction, or find it difficult to progress projects forward. This is exhausting for a team, as there is no real progress or accomplishment to point to. (more…)
Friday, November 18th, 2011
So, it’s that holiday time of the year again.
Back in 2008, when the economy had begun to tank and we were doing a lot of conscious work on ourselves, we decided that the best thing we could give each other was more connection and support.
We wanted the same level of depth and dialogue in our family circle (our kids, then ages 6 to 23, each other, our parents) that we were getting with strangers in the classes we were taking. We wanted to express gratitude, wonder and appreciation at the year gone by, to connect and communicate with those that we love, to help each person clarify their own intentions for the coming year, and to let each other know what we needed in the way of support.
So we set aside one of the holiday afternoons when everyone was gathered for a new tradition: a family inquiry and promise circle. We asked each person to spend some time alone in the morning doing some kind of vigorous exercise to clear their head: hiking, bike riding, dancing. We asked for all devices and electronics to stay off all day. We set up a snacky buffet and an art table with magazines and glue and markers in case people wanted to do their books visually… then we paired up in unlikely pairs, and handed out the promise booklets with the questions in them, so people could work side by side on their answers and really give them some good thought. (more…)
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
Continued from Grown Up School Part 1
There are 4 aspects on the continuum of Self and Other.
1. Acceptance
Self Acceptance: On this aspect, a person is able to accept himself right now, where he or she is at, with any perceived flaws and imperfections, and speak to oneself with a voice of kindness. If a person is unable to accept themselves, the result is a constant inner negator and critic, making happiness impossible- when this is coupled with being able to accept others, it shows up as jealousy.
Q: Do I speak to myself in kindness? Can I laugh at myself? Do I feel pretty good by myself? Can I happily be alone with myself?
Acceptance of others: They can accept others as they are, without trying to change them or judge them. If one is unable to accept others, but to accept self, it shows up as arrogance and disconnection.
Q: Can I allow others to be the way they are without judging them? Can I happily be with others?
2. Care
Self Care: On this aspect, a person is able to care for the self, however a person only able to care for the self becomes self-centered, alienated and grasping.
Q: Am I able to feed myself well? Am I able to move and care for my body? Am I able to get adequate rest? Do I get health and dental care? Do I create a foundation for my own safety/security? Do I choose safe relationships?
Other Care: A person is able to provide nurturing support to others. A person only able to care for others is left depleted and unhealthy.
Q: Do I have empathy? Can I nurture others? Do I give freely without expectation of return? Am I dependable? Do I show up for others?
3. Communication
Speaking: On this aspect, I am able to speak and listen to truth while staying grounded and holding on to my well being. As an individual, I know and say what is true for me, and I can listen to others saying what is true for them. When the skill of truth-speaking is out of balance, I say yes when I mean no, or make commitments without intention, or keep difficult topics to myself out of fear of conflict, or go along to get along.
Q: Can I say what is true for me, calmly and clearly? Am I self aware enough to know what is true for me, to hear that still, small voice?
Listening: When the skill of listening is out of balance, when their words make me so uncomfortable that I can’t hear them, I may do things like: talk over others, bully them into being quiet, leave the room, create a red herring or a distraction, avoid them, or make fun of them.
Q: Can I calmly and deeply listen to what is true for others, and stay present and curious?
4. Direction
Self Directed: On this aspect, I am able to both set my direction independently and to collaborate with others when needed. I can determine my desires and enact plans to achieve them. However, if I am only able to self-direct, then I am a loner, a wild card, an eccentric, headstrong.
Q: Can I set a goal for myself and follow through on it? Can I plan my time and day to be in balance with my priorities? Do I know what I want? Can I stick to things and keep commitments?
Other Directed: When needed I can follow others and learn from them. When not balanced with self direction, I am a “yes man”, a robot, an automaton, a “good girl”, a conformist- not fulfilled. I have the sense I am living someone else’s life.
Q: Can I respect others strengths and defer to a larger goal when needed? Can I collaborate or work as part of a team? Do I how up for other people? Can I trust others?
Read Grown Up School Part 3: Freedom & Restraint
Tags: accepting, collaborating, emotional health, emotional IQ, emotional maturity, happiness science, listening, nurturing, self acceptance, self care, self direction, self expression, spiritual health
Posted in Conscious Living, Human Potential, Leadership, Love | No Comments »
Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
Continued from Grown Up School Part 2: Self and Other
There are 4 aspects on this continuum between Freedom and Restraint.
1. Feeling
Freedom: I can feel deeply, I know what I am feeling, I don’t push feelings away. If I can’t feel deeply, I am shut off from myself, from the universe and from other people.
Restraint: On the other hand, I don’t have to act on those feelings, or react to them. I can hold myself until my expression of the feeling is good for myself and others. If I can’t hold onto myself, I am a drama queen, an unstable force in the community.
2. Desire
Freedom: I allow myself to want, and to name the things I want. If I don’t allow myself desire, I am sleep walking to the beauties of the world.
Restraint: However, I can delay gratification and even deny gratification if it is better for myself and the world. If I can’t delay gratification I risk gluttony, overspending, or a mentality of disposability- not valuing the very thing I have prized.
3. Expression
Freedom: I can fully express my creative force. If I can’t express my creative force, in some way (words, love, music, art, action, building, sport) I am denying a core element of my humanity.
Restraint: I can do it in such a way that doesn’t step on or impinge the rights of others. If I express it with no regard to others or without restraint, I take advantage of others, and cross their boundaries.
4. Exploration
Freedom: I am open to new experience, I see adventure. If I’m not open to experience, I become ritualized and limited, stuck in my ways.
Restraint: I am equally able to ground and be steady, not grasping for the next high. If I am an experience junkie, I’m unable to be content with what it right now.
Tuesday, November 15th, 2011
Over the summer, Taylor Milsal and I committed to hosting a weekly salon with the sole intention of creating a community of people connected through a common desire to non-dogmatic spiritual and emotional thriving, and to creating more love in the world, starting with themselves. The idea was to meet every Wednesday night, for supper (breaking bread together and hanging out), create a framework for real connection, offer a focused discussion topic presented by a guest speaker or member of the community, and do some meditation together- and usually offer some amazing music. Thus LoveSpring was born.
It’s been running for a few months now, and it’s a beautiful group of people are showing up, from 20 to 60 in any given week. We’ve covered non-violent communication, relationships, meaning/mission, gossip/right speech and more. We’ve had TED speakers, authors, adventurers and filmmakers and former inmates from San Quentin. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the response.
We knew it had a place in the world, and it’s hitting some sweet spot for many people. We’re now working on adding more structure to the topics, a more deliberate skill development and practice component.
Please take a look at what we’re up to, and if you find yourself in San Francisco on a Wednesday night, please join us. We post audio and transcripts of prior events, so they can be more widely shared, even if you’re far away you can participate by getting and commenting on the content.
There will be groups starting up in LA and NY soon, too. If you’re looking for something like this, let us know, and we will connect you with other local people.
XO,
Christine
Love is the most powerful transformative force in the universe. And I like love most when it’s used as a verb, not a noun. Loving can be learned, and practiced- just like a tennis serve or making the perfect cup of coffee. Loving itself isn’t always soft or easy- living from love encompasses fierce honesty, broad acceptance, core strength, and a kind spirit- because to live from love you have to be able to take in the world in all of its contradictions, and not fight it. From love, we see the soul in each person first, not their utility- we put this seeing before judgement. Putting loving intention first makes everything easy, whereas the absence of love creates immense suffering. That’s something worth investing time in.
Tuesday, November 1st, 2011
In October I did a talk on Making Meaning & Mission, which is shared here as an audio file.
You may also want to try the prompts we used in small groups in your group of inquiring friends:
- Where do you derive meaning? What matters to you most?
- What desires are underneath the things you do in the world?
- What problems in the world are you attracted to working on?
- What problems have you been able to see, or have insight into, due to your unique life circumstance- how has your life experience itself prepared you to serve?
- Where are your deepest values and actions aligned now, where do you want more alignment?
- Where are you acting on someone else’s (culture, parents) values, not your own?
- If you are living your purpose, how did you arrive in that place? What can other people learn from you?
Tuesday, June 28th, 2011
As a preface to this: This is a personal account, told as bluntly as I can tell it, and because I hope that others will be helped if I narrate my path. Also, I have come to completely love, accept and forgive anything in my family of origin- and I really loved my dad. That doesn’t change the truth of the story.
I had a mad dad. When things didn’t go well, he would bang and break. He would bully sales clerks and support people with his analytical brilliance. There was usually a low level of exasperation and sighing in his presence. It was this way before my mother died, and continued until he was well into stage 4 cancer. My stepmom wore her jaw down by clenching it over many decades, and although she’s a very cool and aware person now, I can remember her kicking her foot through my plywood bedroom door, because I had locked it and wouldn’t come out. I never understood their anger, I just learned to get out of the unhappy way, and wait for the good part of them to return. I would run, hide out, dream, and wait for the wave to pass. But the loneliness and fear in these moments didn’t stop me from growing up and doing the same kind of thing in my own household. (more…)
Tags: anger management, communication, fruits of the spirit, greg baer, improving relationships, Love, marshall rosenberg, overcoming anger, relationships, spiritual development
Posted in Conscious Living, Human Potential, Love, Yoga | No Comments »
Sunday, May 8th, 2011
We’re looking a conference room full of 40 to 50 year old executives from all around the world, gathered for leadership school, the majority in standard issue khakis and well pressed shirts- corporate casual. And they are giving us that evaluative eye common when you arrive to address a room full of people. We’re here to get real, to invite these mid career professionals to share their untold stories and big ideas, to go out on a limb and say what the organization needs to hear. And we’re putting all their shiny faces on video. Essentially, we’re taking a few days helping people go deeper, looking for the treasures of their company’s culture and eliciting the kind of stories that would never make it into an ECM system but are the heart of the what it means to be part of the company, and tell the world (or perhaps just the leadership team) who this organization really is. (more…)
Thursday, May 5th, 2011
Do you know what it takes to raise a child to adulthood, and then what it takes for them to make their strides from early adulthood to get to the point where they are mature decision makers in the world? Say, 30 years old?
I decided to do some back of the envelope calculations to get to an answer, starting with figuring out what has been invested in a person by the time they get to this age. Basically each person is a walking treasure, an immense investment by their families and the culture- and simply walking around with that realization has shifted the way I see each person. So, here goes:
The hard dollar costs of raising a person: In the United States, we can use some government data that says it costs parents on average $250K to raise a child from zero to 18. $350K if their parents made over $98K per year. If the parents don’t pay, the society picks up the slack. (more…)
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